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10th November 2012

drenshawtennant3:23pm: Erm... If I could even ask, some psychological-/creative-frustration advice, someone?
Had a crack at it backstage, as it were, but I still feel too ugly and ashamed to front up properly. Avatar or not. Too busy being shy and looking at my feet, I've walked this rut into a trench deeper than I can see out of. Let alone do anything helpful for others or anything at all creative; I can't even seem to journal my stupid behaviour anymore.
I'm beyond sick of myself, but more desperately than ever need some apt, blunt, immediate, short, shareable expressive outlet right now, not something I've to learn to get right, practice before I can just let rip for the hell of it. The physical thrash it out approach is still beyond me. I need to cut or burn myself, swallow risky things, smash things... how am I, with all my half-arsed stints at nothing of substance I can call my own, to get that out? Can anyone help me here? I've a rage and self-loathing needs purging other than through my behaviour, but I've no ready avenue and picking at beginnings of ways is killing me and making me so much uglier. It's like having to projectile vomit 40 years of both old and increasingly emerging turmoil, but through no other outlet than a straw.
I need to do this as well as communicate, get my garbage out so my every action, effort, and interaction with others can do better than reek of my neglect of this. I can write. Draw -copy. Photograph. Make things with modeling products like Fimo -copy... But I can't seem to apply these beginner-level things to be an outlet. I've nothing to show for any of it and I just can't chip away in frustration anymore. Someone must know what this is like.
Years of this. It's agony, I'm utterly ridiculous as it brings me to tears.
Someone, please?

25th September 2012

sockpup1354:46pm: Hey there, avoidants
Hey guys. Here's an intro and a query.

I feel like if I ever had a group, it would be the AvPD crowd. On paper, I'm generalized SAD with Depression. (I actually don't know if AvPD exists in the DSM anymore). But...I'm not even sure I feel more anxious than other people. I'm just damn good at avoiding anything that makes my heart rate shoot up or cause me to feel nauseous. I've never had a panic attack before. I merely cry when I'm stressed out.

So anyway. I don't really expect therapy to help me. I don't feel horrible. It's just that I'm 25, and I have a huge complex because I suck at keeping friends. I haven't had a purely platonic relationship in a long time. Probably since I was about 10, ha. I'm awkward. I don't look people in the eye. I can be very boring.

And the big thing, is I've never had a job before. Mechanical Turk is the closest thing I've come to one. At this rate...like maybe I could make a few hundred bucks doing odd jobs a month. But how am I going to do that for the rest of my life? Maybe I just don't want to move out of my mom's house enough.

What do y'all do for jobs? I ask people for advice, on the internet and off...and all I get are pie-in-the-sky answers. Like--be a waitress, tackle your social anxiety head on. (Btw, I am too ugly to be a damn waitress). Or--go back to school. Make yourself competitive. I am not that smart. I think maybe I could handle some liberal arts BA degree, but no one will care because I'd still have no social skills. I see amazing people get turned down for retail and fast food simply because there is so much competition in the U.S. I can barely handle "hi." I do not have one of those customer service smiles.

I don't even have references anymore. I used to volunteer, but I felt like a charity case. Like a child--like look, she's helping! Oh you are so helpful! Really patronizing. It would be nice to feel useful.

So anyway. Thanks for giving me a place to ramble. If you have any advice I would appreciate it. I feel super alienated from the rest of humanity lately. Like people look at me with pity, or worse like, "You're the worst kind of person." I know I'm a pill. It sucks to be around someone who's so obviously uncomfortable. Ugh. Right, I was supposed to wrap this up.

11th August 2012

drenshawtennant10:36pm: Um...
Please don't let this mean everyone's gone and there's nobody to talk to...

28th February 2012

crzydmd6:27am: Hi.  I'm Lesya.  My fiance has avoidant personality disorder, and I was wondering if anyone here who has it has any tips on good ways to be supportive.  I have my own issues, but I'm very outgoing and gregarious, so it's hard for me to understand sometimes.  Do any of you have moods where you just have to be alone, not even around your sig. other?  He does that and it bothers me, but I know it's just part of his anxieties and such.  Any info is appreciated. Thanks!
-Lesya

31st December 2011

madamearnoux4:57am: Little Rant
Extroverts at work are driving me nuts.

I'll name them Apple and Orange. Apple is in her early twenties and Orange is in her late forties/early fifties.

Both of them treat the workplace like it's their own personal party space and work just gets in the way. They talk, talk, talk about the most inane topics and it's all about them, all the time.

And it's not their extroversion that bothers me so much as that they're quite nasty people. Rude, self-absorbed and arrogant can best describe the two. Since they share these traits, they're the best of friends and gossip constantly. They don't understand my introversion (shocking, I know). So I feel like I'm often the target of their gossip and bullying tendencies. When I first started working there, Apple was talking to someone else about me and dismissed me as, "She's really introverted" with this disgusted tone of voice.

Neither of them have a significant other and it seems as though they have very few friends* outside of work. Their arrogance seems to be a coverup for their unhappiness and they take their issues out at work. It's as if they're completely starved for social interaction and they try to suck as much as they can from everyone they're surrounded by.

It's exhausting me and as much as I try to tune them out, their issues are being LOUDLY broadcast for everyone to hear. I'm tired of their scrutiny and bearing the brunt of their issues. It's difficult for me to understand because if they're frustrated by not having enough social contact (whether it's having a SO or more friends), why not try being nice to people for a change? Apple and Orange think their bluntness and vitriolic quips are cute but a lot of people are turned off by it.

*I'm not really one to judge, I've lost contact with many of my former friends from school but I don't need the social interaction as much as they do
Current Mood: frustrated

26th December 2011

place_to_hide7:57pm:

Does anyone struggle with family events? like Christmas? My mother has a HUGE family. I always think I'm the most socially awkward and awkward in general whenever I am around them. I just do not feel like I fit in and they don't accept me for who I am. I just don't totally feel apart of the family just because I feel like the awkward one in the family that doesn't fit in. I feel like I can never say the right thing(s).

I didn't want to go the trip to Florida and half the family is going. So My Aunt asks me all these questions "Why don't you want to go?" etc, etc. "You could go shopping in Florida." And the questions and stuff just go on and on.

I find myself almost constantly moving around so one cannot corner me into a conversation.

30th May 2011

beautyliedead6:28pm: Overwhelming Feelings of Ahhh!
I've never really talked about these feelings, but I finally called for a therapists appointment for the first time ever. I cried the entire time I was on the phone because I had to give somebody my name. I'm not paranoid that people having my name is a bad thing, I just get really scared to talk to anybody outside of the 'net.

in which I ask some therapy related questions I'm too scared to say on the phone.Collapse )
Current Mood: scared

18th March 2011

azurah10:06pm: liking alone time too much
I'm 28 and have a part-time job and take a few online classes. I live with my boyfriend and our pets. I've been treated for social anxiety and depression in the past, but they have been two totally different things for me. Now I seem to be having a combination. Normally my depression manifests as getting really emotional, crying jags and just generally feeling down. But now (not on meds due to problems with side effects) I'm just not interested in socializing and I think it's a mix of my social anxiety (get sweaty, heart pounds, feel very uneasy, have a hard time making small talk) and depression, but I don't feel emotional like before, more like numb and apathetic.

Hanging out with people is draining. I don't see my friends anymore, I honestly don't make the effort. I still care about them, but from a distance (facebook), and on the rare chance that I see them, I know I should be enjoying their company, but instead it feels exhausting and I make excuses to leave because I can't seem to handle it for long. I know I should probably seek therapy/go back on meds, but it didn't seem like those helped much either. The worst part? I know I should want to seek help and get better, but a part of me doesn't want to. 

Anyone know what I mean?

4th January 2011

place_to_hide1:11am: I'm not sure it goes here or not.

I'm a overly sensitive person. I seem to be the easy target when someone mad or stressed out (at least when comes to a family member)

I found out Sunday that our dryer was broken. My dad even came down stairs himself and checked the dryer. He told me to go to a laundry mat which I had no idea where one is and he never told me where the nearest one is. So I decided call my mom who lives about 15 minute away. Yeah, maybe I'm using a little gas by driving there but at least I was going get my clothes dry and spend a little time with my mom.

Anyway, I don't pick up social cues very well. My dad sounded like he was half teasing and half not and he was telling me to take his clothes with me but he was sitting on the couch watching football. I said no. And I was just like, why don't you take your clothes to laundry mat. Because it's what he suggested to me. Then he teases me about taking my clothes to his mom's house (My grandma's house). He called me 'Mean'. And also said that he had work tomorrow(Monday) and claimed that he needed clothes for his work.

So yeah, all the while trying make me feel bad for saying no. Later, when I returned from cleaning & drying my clothes at my mom's house, is when he calls me uncooperative.

Even Monday evening, he was still like bitter over it or something. He been sick since last Tuesday and apparently, work was stressful which I didn't know(That work was stressful for him.) I didn't know he was going to grocery store and picking up food for dinner there. No one talked to me and he didn't text me to ask me what I wanted. So when i said two items we needed at the store, he made huge deal over it. Saying he was just there and stuff. Then my stepmom adds in "You were just there yourself, you could have gotten those things." One of these items is milk which we all use. 

I'm thinking maybe I'm just being overly sensitive but I don't really feel like talking to people who are recently making me feel like crap. Like I'm this some horrible daughter.

10th December 2010

ashlite5:08pm: Diagnosis
Hi, all.; longtime lurker, second-time poster here.  In March '08 I read about AvPD online and made a candid post here about my self-diagnosis.  I got a few positive comments but was also cruelly flamed by some jerk.  Needless to say, that was more than a little upsetting, and I was too cowardly to report it to the mods.  Someone else replied to me that social anxiety disorder has similar symptoms so it's best to get a professional diagnosis before "running around saying you have AvPD."  Great, so even here I was being rejected.

Well, eventually, I did try to seek professional diagnosis and got a referral to a psychiatrist from my family doctor.  But, unfortunately, that experience was hardly more fruitful than my posting here.

I tried to tell him my opinion and my worst fear came true of not being taken seriously and being all but ridiculed.  He told me that personality disorders can't be cured, so I shouldn't tell him that I have one, because that means I don't want to be cured!  Rather, I should agree to be treated with social anxiety, because that can be cured with medication.  It was all I could do to let him know how much I didn't appreciate his comments before I broke down in tears.

I did take the medication he gave me but I only went to one more appointment with him and haven't gone back since.  I couldn't tell if the pills were having any effect.

I don't wanna get all "why me" on you...but, really, other people are getting diagnosed with AvPD and even SAD on top of it, and I get this narrow-minded quack who doesn't believe in it or something?

What do I do? Make another appointment with my family doctor and tell him that I want a second opinion?  Is that how it works?
Current Mood: depressed

22nd October 2010

place_to_hide5:20pm: My mom called to see if i wanted come over for dinner and i didn't. She asked me if I'd been driving. I told her not that much. And she asked me if i drove anywhere for fun or drove to some place fun, i said no. She obviously still doesn't understand me. I knew i wouldn't be driving all over the place. I mean just when i need something at the store or something.

I know she was hoping I'd go out more once i was driving and stuff. But she doesn't understand that that isn't me. I know she'd rather that i get out and socialize. But I don't have many real life friends. A few of them are coworkers. My mom doesn't understand me. She never really has and she has never accepted me for who i am. She'd rather try to push me when I'm not doing what she thinks I should be doing. When I'm not doing what she wants me to do.


X-posted in  socialanxiety 

13th October 2010

shewomannadya10:41am: It really irks me when people call themselves "hermits" or "recluses" when they're really just exaggerating. It's like saying "I can't believe *me* of all people, am not having enough social commitments! I'm so like people who avoided society completely for decades! Can you believe that? That's so crazy and unacceptable for me to be living this way."

27th June 2010

novanglus10:21pm: Portrait of avoidance
So there's this little park at the end of my street. It's almost always empty, and it's a nice place to walk around, so most every day I walk through it at least once.

A month or so ago a coffee shop opened up across the street from the park. This evening (Sunday) there was nothing else open, so I went in there for the first time to get a cold take out drink.

As I was leaving a woman jumped up from the corner and said, "Excuse me! I just wanted to thank you for coming in today. I see you walking by across the street almost every day and had been saying, 'I wonder if he's ever going to come in here. So thank you for coming in!'"

What does this mean? For one thing, since they not only recognized me but apparently had been talking about me, you can be sure I'll *never* go in that store again.

And unfortunately, now I don't even feel comfortable going to my favorite park, since I know they may actually be watching me from across the street. (It isn't a paranoid delusion: they actually told me they were!) I'll have to stay at the far end where they probably won't see me. Or plant a hedge to hide behind. :-)

26th June 2010

hermit2:37pm: Social Situations = HELL ON EARTH
The large house next door to my duplex (i.e. 25-feet from my dining and living room windows) was a foreclosure, so it was vacant when I first moved in (October 2009). In April 2010, however, I got new neighbors: dad, mom and two daughters.... oh, and two yappy dogs that run around the fenced-in yard all the time, yapping. One of the daughters is turning 3 years old today, the other just graduated from high school at the beginning of June.

I don't know these people - have never even spoken to them - so how do I know their kids' ages? Easy. They've had THREE major outdoor parties / family get-togethers since they moved in less than 3 months ago, the first of which was probably a housewarming. The other two were a graduation party and now a birthday party (taking place now, as I type this) for the 3-yr-old.

The graduation party was an evening bonfire and cookout. Looked like there were at least 30 people over there, mostly standing around or wandering in and out of the house. The 3-yr-old's party, though..... Sheesh. They've got TWO grills fired up and 3 different sets of long tables and chairs arranged in the back yard, over which they've erected those 4-cornered canvas awning/tent things (don't know what they're called). Seriously, it looks like they're expecting 50+ guests (their driveway is long but not THAT long, and there's no parking on the street around here, so - yeah. Good luck with that)! And, of course, the dogs are running around like wild-things, barking their fool heads off.

Thankfully(?) it's a rather muggy day and I have my window A/C unit going, which means the windows are shut and the noise from next door is (somewhat) blunted. Still.... Why is it that every place I've ever lived (first home, second home, now the duplex) I wind up next door to someone who loves/lives to party? As often as possible. With as many people as possible?

As always, I watch these proceedings (and I am not a voyeur, peeking through the blinds or pressing my ear to the wall. Rather, it's impossible NOT to witness these events when they're taking place so frequently and less than 30 feet away from my windows!) with a combination of grudging tolerance and lonely wistfulness. 90% of me couldn't be forced at gunpoint to a get-together like that - making inane small-talk, swatting insects away from my warm potato salad and cold Sloppy Joe - and that same part of me is insanely glad I'm no longer married to my ex (because that could just as easily be *his* family over there, and probably IS, somewhere)! The other 10%, though, feels left out and stupid and socially awkward and not wanted and.....

Yeah.

Why do people WANT to get together so often, and HOW are they able to just do it so easily? I hate gatherings like that - hate them with a passion. Doesn't matter whether it's my own family/friends or someone else's. And I realize it's me, not them. I'M the one with the issues, clearly, not them. So I'm not faulting anyone for getting together - regardless of the occasion - and having fun(?) but I've just never understood how or why they're able to do it so easily and so often. I glance over next door and they're laughing and mingling and staying for hours and having a good time. If I *were* over there, I would NOT be having a good time. I would be obviously uncomfortable one in the corner, trying to plan my exit as soon as possible and while I don't really want to be more outgoing, sometimes I wish I could be and I'm ....well, I do realize I'm not making a lot of sense, here.

*sigh*

[cross-posted to introverts]

2nd June 2010

lockemaison1:12am: Just try, the rewards are astronomical
Just like everyone else, I was incredibly shy and avoidant for basically my whole life. Recently I just moved from where I lived basically my entire life, with my family and friends, to New York City, alone.

Yet, within 4-5 months, currently I live a life full of new friends and I keep making more and more at an amazing rate. It's amazing and I hope I can keep this up and my life stays like this as long as possible. Yeah, I do live alone, 34, single (just broke up), and I spend an awful lot of time doing things alone at home, going out alone, or wasting time at a computer. So I'm not some total change from my usual self, but I still enjoy a great social life. My only problem is going to that next step, where you become closer friends. But I am new here and I know all my old friends took ages to get close to and find, so while I'm lonely and scared, I think someday I'll get to that point again. The point is I am happy right now, and I'd like to say my thought processes:
Read more...Collapse )

18th May 2010

bflyw2:46pm: new comm...
I have just opened a new community: avoidant personality disorder awareness. Unlike this community, where we share our troubles in hope of getting support from other avoidents, this new comm it more directed to spread information on AvPD to others.
I will start by posting a few youtube videos (very good) that I have found, plus links to fanfiction I have written on the subject etc. It's meant for everyone who wants to post - so if you have stories you want to share, art you have made, fanfiction written etc, feel free to share it.

avpd_awareness 

8th April 2010

ex_topk3:59pm: Dealing with mom
This is my question to you. How do you deal with your moms, dads, who constantly pester you about going to functions and family events, family birthdays, weddings, the normal things that normal people should go to? My mom is constantly begging me to go with her and I feel incredibally guilty for not going, but I just cannot force myself. I feel like the worst person alive for doing this but then I tell myself - I never killed a person, I n ever robbed anyone, why do I hate myself so much? Look at some of those celebrities, they are obvious sociopaths who are devoid of any morals or decency, and yet millions of people adore them. Look at the murderers at prisons who get tons of fanmail of people who lovee them! What have I done that deserves all the self-hatred??
Sorry for the rant, but I digress. So back to my question - how do you deal with your parents when they keeps begging you to come along? I explained to my mom that I have this psychological condition called social anxiety (plus social phobia and avoidant personality disorder) but she just its like she blocks it out and keeps pestering me and guilt tripping me! How do you deal with this?

4th April 2010

p87122:50pm: Hikikomori
I was just reading about Hikikomori. It's really fascinating, and I hadn't heard of them before. The phenomenon sounds more akin to schizoid personality types, but as an avoidant I see myself in it too.

Has anyone else pulled away from the world like this. The year after I finished grad school I withdrew to my apartment for more than a year. I mean, I still went out, but it was nice knowing I could be alone and not have to deal with people for as long as I could stand. Unhealthy as it sounds, it was nice.
novanglus12:23am: I'm so avoidant, I've done that too
A few minutes ago someone made a post to this group. I started to read it, then I refreshed my screen and it was gone. I'm so avoidant I've done that too: posted something, and then a minute later felt extremely exposed and gone back and deleted it. It's like opening a door into a room full of people and suddenly everyone stares at you. You quickly close the door and head in the other direction.

Maybe you've done this too?

27th March 2010

3hoursislove1:09pm: Presentation I can't avoid causing awful anxiety

Hey all. I'm hoping you can give me some advice/help. I've got a major presentation on Monday, and I'm freaking out. Details under the cut

Read more...Collapse )
Thanks for any help.


 


13th March 2010

newengland324:17am: I don't even know how to phrase a particular question or talking point on this, or how to explain what my situation is

I just wish I had friends

30th January 2010

clean_exorcism12:51pm: Wow, it's been a while since I've posted here! I wish I could say that it's because I've been feeling better and been too bust getting out there and interacting, but... no.

Anyway, I just have a rant/advice seeking babble for you guys. Read if interested.

People with AvPD are already afraid of being judged, but...Collapse )
Current Mood: apathetic

23rd January 2010

place_to_hide9:28pm: I'm not totally sure if this is a avoidance type thing. Maybe, it is.

But I'm a private person. There's just some things I don't want to talk about. My father started asking me a brunch of questions and I could kind of feel this pressure that he was giving me about it I didn't really feel like being prodded with questions when I'm exhausted. I don't think he'll understand the answers and he'll just think what he wants. He normally doesn't ask me too many questions.
Current Mood: tired and annoyed

5th January 2010

not_john_lennon12:54am:

Nevermind.

12th November 2009

retrogirlpolly10:25am: Avoidant or Empathic??
I don't think I've ever posted here before. I learned that I had AvPD a number of years ago. Self diagnosed. It helped me so much to connect with other avoidants, people who actually shared my experiences. Amazing. I've come a long way since then. So much that it's actually hard for me to read these messages now, they are so haunting. Anyway, I recently discovered that I'm also an Empath. Someone who feels the emotions of others. Interestingly, there is a strong correlation between the two. They have many of the same side effects. Feeling overwhelmed in crowds, isolation, loneliness, feeling like an alien, feeling like you're going crazy. I could go on. The group I belonged to so long ago no longer exists. Even my avoidant friends here are mostly gone. I just wanted to post this in case it can help someone. I couldn't find a very good link, but here's a couple that will give you an idea of what an Empath is. Generally, if the idea intrigues you, that's a good indication you are one. People who aren't empaths really don't care about the concept. Anyway....
http://www.psi-zone.net/aboutme/empath.htm
http://empathcommunity.ning.com/page/empath-survival-guide

Lori
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