I feel like if I ever had a group, it would be the AvPD crowd. On paper, I'm generalized SAD with Depression. (I actually don't know if AvPD exists in the DSM anymore). But...I'm not even sure I feel more anxious than other people. I'm just damn good at avoiding anything that makes my heart rate shoot up or cause me to feel nauseous. I've never had a panic attack before. I merely cry when I'm stressed out.
So anyway. I don't really expect therapy to help me. I don't feel horrible. It's just that I'm 25, and I have a huge complex because I suck at keeping friends. I haven't had a purely platonic relationship in a long time. Probably since I was about 10, ha. I'm awkward. I don't look people in the eye. I can be very boring.
And the big thing, is I've never had a job before. Mechanical Turk is the closest thing I've come to one. At this rate...like maybe I could make a few hundred bucks doing odd jobs a month. But how am I going to do that for the rest of my life? Maybe I just don't want to move out of my mom's house enough.
What do y'all do for jobs? I ask people for advice, on the internet and off...and all I get are pie-in-the-sky answers. Like--be a waitress, tackle your social anxiety head on. (Btw, I am too ugly to be a damn waitress). Or--go back to school. Make yourself competitive. I am not that smart. I think maybe I could handle some liberal arts BA degree, but no one will care because I'd still have no social skills. I see amazing people get turned down for retail and fast food simply because there is so much competition in the U.S. I can barely handle "hi." I do not have one of those customer service smiles.
I don't even have references anymore. I used to volunteer, but I felt like a charity case. Like a child--like look, she's helping! Oh you are so helpful! Really patronizing. It would be nice to feel useful.
So anyway. Thanks for giving me a place to ramble. If you have any advice I would appreciate it. I feel super alienated from the rest of humanity lately. Like people look at me with pity, or worse like, "You're the worst kind of person." I know I'm a pill. It sucks to be around someone who's so obviously uncomfortable. Ugh. Right, I was supposed to wrap this up.