clean_exorcism (clean_exorcism) wrote in avoidants,

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Wow, it's been a while since I've posted here! I wish I could say that it's because I've been feeling better and been too bust getting out there and interacting, but... no.

Anyway, I just have a rant/advice seeking babble for you guys. Read if interested.

We're already afraid of being judged, but at least on some level we can understand that it's generally in our mind (not that it makes it feel any better, obviously). And I could bear that because there were still two people that I could actually be myself around; my two best friends. And it's taken many years of forcing myself to get out there and hang out with them to allow myself to feel somewhat comfortable to see them regularly (and in my mind, regular means once or maybe twice a month).

But then, quite randomly, I was chatting with Friend #1 and he's telling me about how he found God and how he's changing his life and yadda yadda (I, myself, am Christian, so I don't mean to offend or anything). Then he asks me if I want to go to church with him the next morning. I politely declined, being as how I'd never been to his church and well, that's way too short of a notice to have to deal with such a large crowd. I didn't tell him that, though, and just told him I had a big project to work on. Not even a real lie.

Anyway, he completely snapped on me; telling me how selfish I am for thinking only of myself and my life instead of serving the Lord. Then, he literally started listing off my bad qualities (he even included my love of horror movies and my support of gay marriage, which genuinely did make me laugh). And then he says that he doesn't need anyone as 'sinful' and 'bad' in his life.

When I ranted this story to my mom the next day, I was able to laugh at how ridiculous he sounded, but inside, I was crushed. This was one of the very few people I can be myself around without fear of being judged, only to find out he really was judging me negatively. It just really hit me hard; I worry enough about what people think and to find out that my fears of being judged were true and from someone I was so close to, it's just... I don't even know.

But since then I've pretty much just avoided even those I thought I could trust. Now I feel like I'm back at square one and everyone's judging, and it's just really getting to me. Now I don't feel like I can trust anybody. Blah.

And sorry for the length, I didn't realize I had so much to say.  
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