Jonah Dale R. Tennant (drenshawtennant) wrote in avoidants,
Jonah Dale R. Tennant

Erm... If I could even ask, some psychological-/creative-frustration advice, someone?

Had a crack at it backstage, as it were, but I still feel too ugly and ashamed to front up properly. Avatar or not. Too busy being shy and looking at my feet, I've walked this rut into a trench deeper than I can see out of. Let alone do anything helpful for others or anything at all creative; I can't even seem to journal my stupid behaviour anymore.
I'm beyond sick of myself, but more desperately than ever need some apt, blunt, immediate, short, shareable expressive outlet right now, not something I've to learn to get right, practice before I can just let rip for the hell of it. The physical thrash it out approach is still beyond me. I need to cut or burn myself, swallow risky things, smash things... how am I, with all my half-arsed stints at nothing of substance I can call my own, to get that out? Can anyone help me here? I've a rage and self-loathing needs purging other than through my behaviour, but I've no ready avenue and picking at beginnings of ways is killing me and making me so much uglier. It's like having to projectile vomit 40 years of both old and increasingly emerging turmoil, but through no other outlet than a straw.
I need to do this as well as communicate, get my garbage out so my every action, effort, and interaction with others can do better than reek of my neglect of this. I can write. Draw -copy. Photograph. Make things with modeling products like Fimo -copy... But I can't seem to apply these beginner-level things to be an outlet. I've nothing to show for any of it and I just can't chip away in frustration anymore. Someone must know what this is like.
Years of this. It's agony, I'm utterly ridiculous as it brings me to tears.
Someone, please?
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